Friday, 6 December 2019

The Gob-Off: Chapter 2

This is a continuation of our Goblin Warhammer campaign. You can find the previous part here...

After his plans were stymied by his chance encounter with Skuzzbutt's ladz, Mush was determined to get revenge. But first, he needed to ensure he had the upper hand. The few squigs he had brought previously had nearly single-handedly destroyed Skuzzbutt's forces, so it was clear that he needed more. Da Weird Toof Tribe had a lot more. It was time to go and "borrow" some...

Mush and Room crept along the dark tunnel at the head of the column, trying not to make too much noise. Surprise was important for this mission. If da Weird Toofs knew they were coming, the caves would soon be filled with the gnashing teeth of angry squigs. And that would be bad.

Behind them, the rest of the tribe sneaked as best they could. Rattles and clunks rang out regularly as the tips of their spears scraped the low roof of the tunnel. Worse was the occasional booming yawn from one of the idiot trolls that they had decided to bring along. The trolls were shambling at the rear of the pack, prodded along by the spears of a team of goblins. 
Stupid Trolls. What a bunch of muppets...

A loud crack echoed down the passage as one of the trolls walked face-first into a low part of the ceiling. Mush winced at the noise. He had thought that the resilience of the trolls might be handy in the coming raid, but in hindsight maybe they were not well suited to the task at hand. They were slowing things down, they were hard work, and it seemed likely that they were going to alert the enemy to their approach.

As if to confirm his worst fears, the troll shook its head in surprise and then roared in anger at the rock on front of it. It took a step back and then smashed its face into the rock again, pulverising its own nose and smashing a large chunk from the low-hanging section of ceiling. It dropped to the floor with a crash, the sounds echoing deafeningly down the tunnel. 

Mush groaned and put his face in his hand. This was not starting well. 


Weirdo, heroic leader of da Weird Toof Tribe, wandered through the darkness of the cave looking for handy things to collect. In his hand he carried his custom handbag squig. He loved his handbag. He took it everywhere.

The various huddled groups of night goblins watched him passing nervously, clutching their prized possessions close to them lest they catch Weirdo's eye. They all knew about his "shopping trips," and they all knew that anything he grabbed would never be seen again.

Weirdo muttered to himself and his handbag as he shuffled along, giving occasional exclamations as he found something of interest. A particularly smooth and shiny stone, a broken sword handle, and a slow-moving and unfortunate Snotling were all snatched up and stuffed into the mouth of his handbag. He giggled as he stored each item. He loved collecting. His handbag was never full. No item was too big. Of course, he had never managed to get anything back out again (he had made the mistake of trying early on, and had nearly lost a hand in the process), but he liked knowing it was all in there.

The usual snarling and snapping filled the air as he passed the squig pens. He gave them a wide berth, knowing that anything worth picking up over there had already been eaten. Something caught his toe as he went, and he stooped to brush away the loose dirt. Beneath he found some sort of runic Dwarf talisman. "Ooooh," he squealed as he snatched it up. He could feel the power of the thing humming through his filthy hand. Glancing around to ensure nobody else in the tribe had spotted it, he hastily stuffed it into the mouth of his handbag for safekeeping.

He shuffled on toward the broken gates of the ancient Dwarf hold, he suddenly halted his search. Strange echoes came from the passages beyond the gates. Someone was coming. Weirdo wondered if they had anything worth storing...

Da Rules
This is the sort of game you can only really do as part of a campaign. The armies are intentionally slightly uneven in terms of points (but maybe not strength). The board would be challenging to maneuver on, with some allowances made for things like random moves (things steer a bit as required).

Mush and Room had a clear objective - they needed to kill the enemy general (Weirdo). If they could do this, they could take charge of the tribe and the Squigs would be theirs.

Weirdo's objective was more traditional - try to kill all the enemy. Oh, and don't die. Mainly don't die...

Da Armies

Mush and Room's Sneaky Raiders (1200 points) - Tim

  • Mush - Night Goblin Shaman (Level 2) with Talisman of Protection, Vindictive Glare, Itchy Nuisance
  • Room - Night Goblin Big Boss with Battle Standard, Light Armour, Shrieking Blade
  • Max Club - Night Goblin Big Boss with Berserker Sword/Club, Potion of Foolhardiness
  • 24 Night Goblins with Spears, Shields, Full Command, Netters, 2 Fanatics
  • 24 Night Goblins with Spears, Shields, Full Command, Netters, 1 Fanatic
  • 24 Night Goblins with Spears, Shields, Full Command, Netters, 1 Fanatic
  • 24 Night Goblins with Short Bows, Full Command, 1 Fanatic
  • 24 Night Goblins with Short Bows, Full Command, 1 Fanatic
  • 6 Squig Hoppers
  • Max Club got a promotion!
  • 3 Trolls

This game was going to be a bit unusual. It would be played on the club's cave boards, making movement a bit different. It was also going to put a lot of squigs on one side, which promised to be potentially devastating for the raiders. We decided to give Tim an a bit of a points boost to try to compensate. Hopefully between the slightly larger units, the fanatics and the netters, it would be enough to make for an even fight...

Note that although we promoted Max Club to a Big Boss, we decided that he was a lunatic and not in contention to lead the army. So Mush remained in charge despite his inferior leadership, in direct contravention of the rules. So there!

Da Weird Toof Tribe (1000 points) - Owen

  • Weirdo - Night Goblin Warboss with Great Weapon, Talisman of Protection
  • Hoppo - Night Goblin Big Boss on Great Cave Squig with Spear
  • 25 Night Goblins with Hand Weapons, Shields, Full Command
  • 20 Night Goblins with Hand Weapons, Shields, Boss, Musician
  • 20 Night Goblins with Short Bows, Boss, Musician
  • Squig Herd with 10 Squigs, 5 Handlers
  • Squig Herd with 10 Squigs, 5 Handlers
  • Squig Herd with 10 Squigs, 5 Handlers
  • 8 Squig Hoppers
  • Troll
  • Troll
  • Mangler Squig
  • Mangler Squig
Both sides had trolls, but both sides had little to no leadership. Owen stepped in to control of the defenders. I figured that made more sense than me doing it, given this army had nothing to do with Skuzzbutt.

I brought my DSLR camera for this game, but it turned out that lighting was a real issue. I wound up having to slow the shutter speed a ton and try to keep very steady hands. Ironically my phone might have coped better given it has HDR. Oh well, we live and learn...

 Look at the dim shadowy darkness of it all!
We set the caves up to have a relatively open area on the defender's side, on the assumption that the attackers would be pushing through to fight there.
Weirdo takes command at the head of the largest unit of Night Goblins. 
Owen put Squig Hoppers on the flank, accompanied by a Troll who was a very, very long way from the general's almost respectable leadership... 
Owen's centre, dominated by a pair of Mangler Squigs. 
On the other flank was another unsupervised Troll, lurking behind one of the Squig Herds. 
Tim's left flank featuring Max Club's unit on the left, and another unit of spears on the right.
Turn 1
The centre included the Trolls in front of Room's spear unit, with Mush leading the archers.
Mush and his mates.
Tim put his Squig Hoppers opposite Owen's. Or Owen put his opposite Tim's. I don't remember who started it... 
Yes, put your unit in a narrow passage behind a Troll unit with Leadership 5... Nothing could go wrong... What sort of Trolls are those anyway??

Turn 1
Alerted by the noisy approach of Mush and Room's forces, da Weird Toof tribe had rapidly formed ranks and seized the initiative, advancing toward their intruders.
The first Mangler Squig bounded forward with alarming enthusiasm, crossing the large cavern and heading toward Mush's regiment in the tunnels. 
The second Mangler followed suit, launching itself forward almost as rapidly. 
Somehow the Troll on da Weird Toof tribe overcame its potent stupidity and stomped up the tunnel whilst the Squig Hoppers bounded up the other side of the passage. 
It was a general advance as Mush's forces started to respond. 
Bad as the lighting was elsewhere, from the other side it was impossible... But the Squig Herd advanced, leaving the Troll behind as it staggered about confusedly. At least it wasn't in the way. 
The pale Squig Hoppers showed little interest in facing their numerically superior opponents, and instead veered up the nearest side tunnel as the archers marched up behind them. 
Mush ordered his unit to advance, and as it approached the Mangler Squig they parted ranks to unleash a Fanatic, who whirled down the passage with lunatic intent. He smashed into the beast, his ball and chain smashing into its flank even as he himself disappeared down its gaping maw. The Squig was wounded, but it remained on its feet.
 The view across the field
Rather predictably the Trolls were struggling to understand the simple instruction of "MOVE!" being howled at them by the mob of Night Goblins right behind them. They staggered forward slightly as the menacing Mangler Squig hurtled toward them.
The left flank advanced toward the enemy Squig Herd. 

Turn 2 
The Squig Herd continued to charge down the tunnel toward the enemy. Again, as they closed with their prey a Fanatic burst from the Night Goblin ranks. He spun with enthusiasm but little direction, and was barely clear of his own lines when the Squigs reached him. A chorus of squealing Goblins and snarling Squigs erupted as they collided, and a third of the charging unit was felled as they stampeded over the unfortunate Fanatic.
It was a similar story on the other flank, as the Squig Hoppers sprung forward and were intercepted by a Fanatic. More than half the Squig Hoppers were felled. The remainder completed their charge and munched several Night Goblins before they were finished off.
In the centre, the Mangler Squig approaching Mush's regiment had been finished off with a flurry of arrows, but the other remained unscathed. It bounded toward the "Trolls", but was again intercepted by Fanatics. One managed to spin past their flank, but the other burst straight through, scything down a Troll as he went. The Mangler Squig, crashed into the first Fanatic and the collision proved fatal for both Goblin and Squig. 
Even as the Mangler Squig collapsed, its place was taken by a slightly smaller Squig, ridden by a Big Boss. He bounded to a halt shortly before he would have come within reach of the remaining Fanatic, who was twirling immediately in front of the Trolls.  
Having weathered the impact with the Fanatic, the Squigs on the flank tore into Max Club and his ladz. He swung his club with frenzied enthusiasm, supported by a wall of spears. The Squigs took a toll, but their momentum was stalled and they were pressed back. The handlers lost control, and there was an explosion of teeth and screaming...  
The exploding Squig herd proved even more devastating than the initial charge, and Max Club found himself dragged away from the battle as his ladz panicked and fled back the way they had come. 
In the centre, the Trolls continued to struggle to comprehend the chaos unfolding around them. They lurched into the Fanatic immediately in front of them. A single Troll survived the collision and staggered into the enemy Big Boss, whose Squig made short work of him.
Mush's unit took aim at the approaching Squig Herd, as their own Squig Hoppers moved up to support them. The short bows proved ineffective, however Mush managed to distract them with an Itchy Nuisance, slowing their advance and befuddling their senses.
With the elimination of the Squig herd on the left, that flank seemed secure (although Max Club's ladz clearly disagreed as they fled). 
The right flank also looked good, as the Troll struggled to comprehend his surroundings, distracted by the sight of the whirling Fanatic in front of him. 
However, the enemy was not a spent force. More mobs were lurking in reserve in the main cavern. 

Turn 3
For some time now, an argument had been raging in the centre of da Weird Toof lines. Several Night Goblins had accused Weirdo (entirely correctly) of having "borrowed" their stuff, and the formation had devolved into a storm of Goblins ineffectually flailing at each other. Just as order started to be restored, Weirdo noticed that in the chaos someone had dropped something rather interesting, and was spotted stuffing it into his handbag... And the squabble began all over again...
Itchy Nuisance or not, the Squig Herd in the centre managed to focus enough to leap toward Mush's regiment of archers. They fired another volley desperately as the Squigs approached, but it was once again ineffectual... 
The ensuing struggle was vicious. Slowed as the enemy was by the Itchy Nuisance, Mush and his ladz struck first. They dragged down a full rank of Squigs before the biting began, but the enemy was oh so very toothy...  
Many Night Goblins were chomped, and the pitiful squeals of their victims proved terribly unnerving for the survivors. They quailed and, despite the advantage of numbers and the desperate threats being shrieked by Mush, they turned and fled. There was no escape however, and the Squigs chowed down upon those still standing.
Mush had fallen, but he would not be the only one. Having eliminated the last of the strangely hairy Trolls, the Big Boss bounded his Squig into the waiting Night Goblins. Room stepped across to face him, brandishing his eerily shrieking blade. In a flurry of blows he hacked a nasty wound into the flank of the Squig, however he looked down in surprise to find the enemy's spear protruding from his chest. As he collapsed, his minions howled and threw themselves at the enemy, bringing down Squig and rider with a flurry of spear blows.
Owen tells me this is Room entering the gates of Valhalla. I guess he fought bravely, if briefly...

Turn 4
Mush and Room had fallen, but their ladz continued to fight (or in Max Club's case, continued to flee). The day could still be won if only they could get to (and kill) Warboss Weirdo...
There was no time to mourn the loss of their leader Room, as a mob of enemy Night Goblins charged down the tunnel toward them. 
Weirdo's mob finally regained some measure of order and advanced, just in time for the Squig Hoppers to launch themselves into the fray. Weirdo was wounded and a few Night Goblins fell, but the Squigs were no match for the blade of the Warboss and they were cut down in short order. 
Max Club and his ladz continued their headlong flight down the dark tunnels, unaware that they were about to run headlong into an enemy Squig Herd. 
The struggle in the centre was closely contested. The spearmen had the advantage of numbers, more warriors could reach to strike, they were throwing nets on their opponents... The other guys could parry with their shields, and were apparently made of stern stuff. They were on the back foot as soon as they arrived, but held their ground bravely. 
The Troll on the left flank found itself fighting a large number of Night Goblins. The Troll on the other flank had eventually been felled by arrows. You can only stagger about stupidly in front of a regiment of archers for so long before you pay the price... 
If Max and his ladz care that there are enemies in their path, they don't show it. They just keep fleeing bravely into danger! 
The Troll was never likely to be able to fend off so many assailants, but the Night Goblins then ignored orders and ran him down rather than halting to turn down the passage where they might actually have been relevant. 
See, that's them up the back there. They missed their turn. Also note that the doughty resistance of the small Night Goblin regiment in the centre had come to an end, with the victorious spearmen emerging in the main cavern.

Turns 5 and 6
Weirdo looked about him, trying to make sense of the shrieks and howls echoing around the tunnels and caves. Nearby he saw an enemy mob emerge from a passageway, and turned his own ladz around to face them. He couldn't tell if his tribe was actually winning the battle, but it was time to take a more active hand in matters. He ignored the wound he had sustained earlier from an enemy Squig bite. He had no time for such considerations. Those enemy Night Goblins looked like they might be carrying something worth pocketing...
With both regiments having regrouped to engage, Weirdo led his entourage into the decisive combat!
Max Club eventually rallied his ladz, right as the enemy Squigs were bearing down upon them. He chugged down his Potion of Foolhardiness, brandished his "Angry Club", and prepared to meet the threat.
Having filled the Troll full of arrows, the archers turned in toward the centre and commenced trying to whittle down the Squig Herd.  
The hopes of his unit had rested upon his shoulders, and Max Club let them down badly. Leading from the front, with the speed to club down the Squigs before they could bite, he failed to land a single telling blow. The air was then filled with the sounds of snapping jaws, splintering bone and the shrieks and howls of his own unit as the Squigs bounded in among them. The carnage was terrible, and they were soon off and running once more...
...But they escaped, and they even rallied immediately! What a leader. What a hero.  
In the centre, the struggle between Warboss Weirdo's ladz and the enemy spearmen was a stalemate. The spears brought down several Night Goblins, but Weirdo's blade was more than a match for the nets trying to entangle it. The regiments fought each other to a standstill. There was still one more combat phase, and Weirdo had 2 wounds remaining. If the spearmen could bring him down, Tim could still win the game... 
And, against all expectations, they did it! As Weirdo pressed forward to finish off the enemy and claim all their shiny stuff for his handbag, he was struck unexpectedly by multiple spear blows. He fell, and as he fell his unit melted around him. 

Mush and Room win... Sort of?

The howls of the fleeing Weird Toof Goblins echoed around the caves, and the survivors scattered into the surrounding tunnels. Mush and Room's forces had won the day, but where were they...?


  1. Another cracking looking game!

  2. Great battle report! Mush and Room sure sounds like fun guys!

  3. In my defence, it's been years since I played Warhammer, so I completely forgot about stupidity when deploying... In Tim's defence he managed to prevent the terrible embarrassment of losing to the man who was one World Series away from claiming his rightful throne (made of unaccountably five-sided dice) as the Worst Warhammer General in Victoria. I was deeply worried that I was going to win that game...

  4. Wow! this is Amazing! Do you know your hidden name meaning ? Click here to find your hidden name meaning

    1. He-who-is-to-concerned-with-dessert-to-master-warhammer? It's like my parents were clairvoyant...

    2. Now I'm conflicted. Do I remove the spam or not...? :P

    3. It must live forever, a grim reminder of what happens when you answer questions which were best ignored!

    4. Man, why must I be caught up in your cautionary tale? I trust we have learnt something...