Tuesday, 7 June 2016

The Shadows Return: Game 9

The campaign is continuing, and I am gradually falling further behind in my reporting. In an effort to speed things up a little, I am going to lean more heavily on Owen's note-taking for Game 9. Instead of writing the whole thing up narrative-style and then including his notes at the bottom, I am going to build the report around his notes and then including my own stuff in the captions. I'll also clarify some stuff in italics.

Consider this a warning, I guess...

The marshes were eerily quiet as Mana-mana crept through the slimy undergrowth to Qur'myt's position under a drooping swamp tree. He stopped next to the Slann's palanquin and waited to be acknowledged. Eventually the Skink perched upon the arm of the palanquin turned to looked at him and nodded.

"All forces are in position, Lord Qur'myt," he reported. He paused a moment, then went on in a rush, "We are not ready for this engagement, Lord Qur'myt. We have only just regathered after our encounter with the Druchii. We need more..."

He was cut off abruptly by the Slann's voice booming in his mind, DO YOU DOUBT MY JUDGEMENT, YOUNG PRIEST?

"No my lord, but perhaps we need more..."


Mana-mana scurried off quickly. He cursed himself for his foolishness. Qur'myt was a mighty Slann Priest, thousands of years old and the veteran of countless battles. He was fortunate to have received such a light reprimand for his temerity.

As he passed Ivyl-Knivyl however, his doubts redoubled. The fearless Chieftain was wrapped head-to-toe in bandages a he sought to recover from the battering he so recently received. A lesser Skink would have perished, but Ivyl-Knivyl was no lesser Skink. Nevertheless he swayed atop the back of his new Stegadon mount like a little drunken mummy.

Mana-mana knew in his heart - they were not ready for this ambush.


Char'Drex stomped through the swamps at the head of the column. Each step of his blisteringly hot daemonic hooves caused the marsh water around him to boil and hiss. He paid little attention to picking the safest path. He had no fear of a mis-step. And if those behind him were unable to follow where he led... well they were not worthy to follow him, were they?

The sound of beating wings approaching caused the daemon prince to look up overhead. A Manticore swooped down and landed on some of the marginally firmer ground nearby. Peter, the army's sorcerer, sat upon the back of the beast. "Lord Char'Drex, I believe we are about to be ambushed. Lizard creatures have surrounded our column."

The daemon prince snorted in amusement. "Do they mean to attack us, or do we need to go and look for them?"

"I believe their attack is imminent, my lord."

Char'Drex smiled. "Good!"

Right then, on we go!

Game 9: More Than You Can Chew

A Game, which might be about Game Number 8ish. -Almost. Not a bad guess.

Contested by:
Aaron and his Chaos Men of Tzeentchy nature, tainted by Khorne with a soup can of Nurgle. And sweet banners.
Nick and his Lizard Men, who are very purple. Tainted with blue.

Reported by:
Owen, fresh from his draw with Mr. Gentile and with a fresh tattoo reading ‘buy shields’ on his forearm.

Heckling by:
Tim and his serried ranks of Ham and Cheese Sandwiches.

The scenario in question:
That ambush one Owen beat up James playing. -Again, almost. The one in Game 2 was something we made up on the spot. This one was from the 6th Ed rulebook, except we missed that the Chaos army should all have been facing the same direction. Oops.

Nick: Enchanted Blades, Final Trans, Plague O’ Rust, Searing Doom (METAL!!!!)
Aaron: Some Tzeentchy crap. (he thinks while Nick marvels at the compact nature of his army. ‘My army needs to be in a group cause I’ve got f*** all leadership, and he’s going to kill me!’) Gateway, something which steals spells, Treason, some other spell.

And now:
The roll for who goes first is won by: Nick. Automatically.
(Nick lost the roll to decide who got the s*** tape measure)
Char'Drex's warriors turn to face the enemy as they appear, in clear violation of the deployment rules that we failed to read properly.
The game is now afoot. Maybe a foot and a half.
The Lizardmen approach from either end of the table after the faster Chaos elements vanguard to spread out a little.

Qur'myt the Frog and the bulk of his entourage attack from one end, including Ivyl-Knivyl, who is all bandaged up after an amazing recovery from dying the previous game.
The remaining Lizardman forces approach from the other side of the field, led by Mana-mana.
Turn One: When Lizards Attack!
VANGUARD DUEL!!! Aaron wins – then checks to make sure he HAS vanguard.
Marauder Horsies vanguard in a certain direction (ie: kinda towards yonder Slaan)
Nick vanguards big flappy lizard things forwards a bit.
And now the game starts for real’s.
Skins slosh through swamps towards dread doggies.
Stegadon wombles into a swamp and starts to nibble on the nice leaves.
Ranked Skink-o-Kroxigor unit moseys through swamp to near marauder horsies. 
Nick’s army is aquatic and does not give  a s*** about swamps.
Distant skinks with priest in trundle towards the game.
Now the flappy lizards fly away to near the skinky priest.
MAGIC! Six dice. Channels: None from Nick. Aaron has a funky channel rule, but fails anyway.
Searing doom VS chariot: Aaron is having none of it. Only just.
One die on the knights by Basil O’Don: Books consulted. Well, Google anyway. No one has the book. We are real pro players. “Hey Greg! We need a ruling! What does his Bastilodon do on a 4?” – Aaron.
“People should really learn to bring their army books.” – Greg.
“Don’t have one!” – Nick.
Basil O’Don basks in his mysteriousness.
His rules are a mystery, but he has very pretty scales.
2D6 S5 hits!
8 hits!
No knights are deaded.
Warriors are plagued with rust.
Salamander vs. “these guys.’ I have no idea who he is shooting.
Oh wait, the skinks are shooting dogs.
My bad.
Four dead dogs! Curses! They were one day away from retirement!
Now the salamander. It belches noxious flames at…marauder horse men! Aaron is forced to remove three.

Aaron’s Turn One: The Wrath of Aaron.
Them thar horsemen contemplate charges. 
Aaron fondles tape measure and thinks deep thoughts.
M.Horse charge Herr Salamander.
Chariot charges large skinky unit, who stand and shoot at it. Nick bemoans his failure to rust it in the past. The chariot cops a few wounds. It makes the charge.
The Skinks pepper the enemy Chariot with poisoned javelins, but its thick armour is enough to ensure that the charge crashes home.
The warriors and Daemon prince who were supporting it fail to reach. 
Warriors and deamonprince shame facedly shamble forwards.
Movement occurs:
Bloodcrushers advance on Basil O’Don.
Dogs attempt to march. They do. And bound o’er the swampy plain in the general direction of the stegadon.
Marauders swing to face the important flank. The one opposite Owen.
Manticore flaps up beside the deamon prince. They compare notes on wing care.
The knights attempt to swift reform, but fail the roll, and swivel in a limited manner. They care not for the stuff behind them now. Stoopid Basil O’Don.
The Skullcrushers go hunting the Bastiladon who continues his mysteriousness by being out of the picture.
No channeling 12 dice.
Gateway is dispelled on exactly the right number. Boo.
Good thing too – Owen had no idea what it was cast on anyway.
Why do Nick and Aaron talk so quietly?
BLUE FIRE!! Goes off on Slaan. 4S4. 2 wounds. 1 not saved. T check is fine.
Treason… on chariot fighting skinks. Fails. - Actually, it was on the Skinks. Not on the chariot. Maybe it should read "chariot-fighting skinks". And it went off. So maybe the dispel was the thing that failed. Or Owen was.
Das Cannon of HELLLLLLLL!!!! Fails to shoot the slaan. Boo.
El Charioto Del Caos 4 wounds from impact hits. Wailing on the krox ensues. 4 wounds – 1 parry.  Kroxigor deal a wound. It is saved. Silly Skinkies deal 4 poisonous wounds, which are all saved. The horses suck. The skinky unit buggers off at great speed due to Treason of We Don’t Listen to the Slaan. The chariot pursues mightily and they are greatly slain. The chariot does not neck itself. 
Qur'myt looks on impassively as the Chaos chariot obliterates his largest regiment.

“That’s a lotta points” – N. Hoen, with a hint of sadness.
Slaany McSlaanface is not panicked.
He is picnicked.
That salamander fight – the salamander loses but does not flee.

NICK’S TURN TWO: When Lizards Try To Look Competent
Dogs charged, not terrorized. By the Stegadon I guess.
Stealth Skinks charge manticore flank.
Skink priest unit sprints forward.
Flappy lizards move up to sneer at Knights.
Basil O’Don moves to behind a swamp to defend himself from the stooped blood crushists
Large numbers of skinks charge the flank of Warriors.
That Slaan floats sideways looking inscrutable. He does not have any scrutes to give.
The Lizardmen move in from all directions.
In clear defiance of Owen's notes, Ivyl-Knivyl charges boldly into Peter the Sorcerer and his pet Manticore.
Searing sunlight scorches across the field as the Skinks and Kroxigor charge the flank of the Chaos Warriors.
Lots Of Dice! 
Like 9 with a channel! And Aaron has five!
+1 to hit and armour piercing on the skinks fighting the warriors. 
Rusty Plague on warriors – goes off.
Like a frog in a sock.
SEEEERING DOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!! On the Knights. Scrolled.
Pete distracts Owen during shooting phase,. Nothing seems to happen.
Salamander skink slain by sinister sons of the steppes.
Gentile goes away.
The salamander wins the combat anyway and chases the remaining horeseyman
Stegadon defeats dogs.
Overun into Manticore
Stegadon skink chief challenges!
No wounds on the manticore or rider from the steggie.
The chief however… does wounds.  And piranha blades the manticore. Boo!
The rider, rather annoyed at the loss of his mount, hits silly skinky chief twice. Two wounds. One saved.
Fire is breathed by the chaosy beast retrospectively. Skink toasted. Argument about ASF and breath weapons.
The stegadon is not flamed.
Owen seeks biscuits during lull in combat due to argument.
mmmmmm….. biscuity.
Greg consulted. About rules. Not biscuits. Although he clearly is a man who loves biscuits. Clearly. - Wait. What are you saying? Not that you're wrong...
Owen has now eaten three biscuits, and the argument is no nearer being solved.
Nick finds a FAQ. Breath weapons do not ASF. Therefor, no flaming occurs, and the manticore is dead.
3up wards! 2 wounds on that sorcerer who is sitting in mid air wondering where his mount went.
The manticore rider, who IS alive, despite there being no model in play, RUNS LIKE A WEEDY GOBBO! A Weedy GIRL Gobbo to be precise.
A very FAST weedy girl gobbo –he gets away, Aaron has a model for this cause it’s happened before.
Fleeing McMage heads chariotwards.
The searing light, it burnses! Wait... where did the Manticore go?
Peter re-appears on foot over to the left, having fled from the Chameleon Skinks. Because obviously the Stegadon is not a concern, nor its ferocious rider with his Piranha Blade chainsaw. Also note that the Chaos Warriors seem to have disappeared...
Kroxigor Skinky Unit: Challenge declined. Fear is not an issue.
Punching happens. 3 dead skinks.
1 dead warrior. From Skinks. Kroxies fire up: 1 more dead. 
Lizards win by… THREE! A TEN! The warriors run like weedy gobbo girlies! Slow ones. They are caught.

AARON’S TURN TWO: In which Aaron mourns expensive units.
Loud shouting and charging!
Silly English Knnnnnnnighets charge , as does everything else basically.
Crushers of blood measure things and think hard about it. Test to restrain. They make it! Woot to the max!
Hell cannon to the flank! Skinky unit displeased!
In a miraculous turn of events, someone apparently discovered the technology of curtains. And now we can see what is going on again! The Skinks perhaps wish that this was not the case.
Marauder horse dude don’t rally. 
Sorcerer rallies. ‘Boo Urns’ – Nick.
Nick channels. Dog that he is.
Deep contemplation from the Aaron-wards tableside.
Glean magic on yon slaan. It sucks. And fails.
7S3 hits on Slaan – 1 wound., Saved. Aaron displeased.
Nick jubilant.
1S1 hit on slaan. Failure.
TREASON! The Stegadon is a TRAITOR!
Knights vs. stealth skinks: skinks blend.
Stegadon overrun into.
Except the fleeing marauder is IN THE WAY!!! OMG! UNPRECEDENTED!
Skink champ challenges deamon prince. A fight ensues. 
The skink is dead.
Hellish cannon is low I so is skinked. A skink is slain. The Hell cannon crew all miss. Weakness.
The hellcannon eats a crewman. - Probably it ate a Skink. Chaos Dwarf crewmen are off the menu when it's in combat.
Thunder Thunder THUNDER THUNDERSTOMP… HOOOOOOO!!!!!!! 4 skinks stomped.
Skinks do not flee, since steggy is treasonous, not them.
Hell cannon reforms AFTER Owen takes pictures. Sorry Greg. 

NICK 3: The gimmicky 3D sequel.
Nick Yolos his flappy lizards into the back of the marauders.  No! Knights! No. They just chill out behind the knights. Lazy sods.
Senor Stegadon Senior charges the knights. 
Skink priest brings his unit ever closer to the game.
Salamander sashays towards swamp.
10+ plague of rust on knights. Doesn’t do anything.
Salamander Spits Flame – 10 marauders struck. 5 wounded. 1 saved.
Kislev Fried Marauder anyone?
Stegadon does 6 impact hits to knights.
2 deaths.
BSB hits Steggy twice. Knights do nothing. Boo!
4 skinks on the top: 3 hits. 2 wounds. Both saved.
Demonic Steed kicks a skink on top to death. It is a parkour expert.
Stegadon flees having rolled 6,6,6 for cold blooded LD.
It is run down.
Happy knights are happy.
Many skinks die to Daemon prince.
Hellcannon eats three.  Blokes do nothing,
“Kroxigor are both going forward cause YOLO.” N. Hoen, Poet and Philosopher.
Many skinks die. They do not flee.
The Kroxigor refuse to acknowledge when they are beaten.

AARON 3: Reloaded.
Sorcerer YOLOs o’er the board towards the slaan.
Marauders are all like ‘Salamander? Bitch, I’m charging that.”
Aaron forgets about skull crushing blood guys. Owen reminds him. NO one is necked in the swamp.
Nooo Basil! Not like this!
The horse guy runs like a running guy very quickly.
Stupid knights not stupid. Rotateration occurs.
Is magical.
Nick fails to dispel stuff, the slaan cops 4S4 hits. 2 wounds. 2 saves.
The Slaan shrugs off everything thrown at it. Bitch.
Skully Bloody Crushers Vs. Basil O’Don:
Many 1s. 2 wounds, 1 saved. 1s5 and 1s10 hit on Khorney mens. 2 wounds taken. Juggers: 4 wounds. 2 saves. 1 left on Basil O’Don. Damn him. He breaks. Pursued off the field o’battle.
But the models left there since they ARE in the dead pile anyway.
Marauders: kill the salamander and crew.
Onwards to victory (ie: over run).
“I might call at this point and just have the Slaan f*** off.” – N. Hoen. Defeated poet and philosopher.
Qur'myt departs, trying not to hear the screams of his dying warriors behind him.


Well that was a little bit of a blow-out. These ambush scenarios seem a bit harsh on the attacker. Especially when the defender's list is a fair bit harder as well as larger. It would also help if we read the deployment restrictions properly. Oh well. Anyway, Chaos marches on!


Char'Drex stalked across the field which was littered with dead lizard-things as well as a fair number of his own warriors. He halted at the fallen Manticore and found Peter sitting with its scarred head in his lap, stroking its monstrous face lovingly. It was possible the Sorcerer was crying, but his helmet concealed his features as he looked up at the Daemon's approach.

"Come, Sorcerer. It is time to move on." Peter nodded mutely but made no immediate move to stand.

The mortal's obvious weakness annoyed Char'Drex and he felt his hand tightening on his axe involuntarily, but then he remembered the warnings he had received from the hooded stranger who had met them when they first arrived on Albion. He would need the Sorcerer once he reached the Citadel of Lead. But then, he did not have time to wait for the weakling to mourn his fallen mount.

"There are many creatures in the mountains to the north, Sorcerer. Perhaps you can find a replacement mount there. Go. But be warned, we will continue to march north. If you do not meet us at the Citadel in three days, I will come and find you. And you will not enjoy that at all."


  1. If HS Thompson wrote battle reports...

    1. I admit I went and looked HS Thompson up after this comment. Anyone capable of presenting anything as incoherent as Owen's note-taking was worth a look!

    2. Second proudest moment of my life, after that time my blog was described as a visually induced acid trip, obviously.

  2. I wonder how many other people find their battle reports derailed by discussions of rules and musings on the glory of biscuits?
    I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise for the sheer awfulness of my phone's camera. It is a cheap phone. And does not like biscuits.

    1. I got rid of the worst photos. There were a few where I couldn't actually tell what they were of at all.

      Matters definitely improved when you guys discovered the curtains.

  3. I have to say I like Owen's note based battle reports as a nice change of pace every now and then. Good fun read if a tad incoherent, well done you for generally making sense of them!

    Looking forward to more of this campaign.