Wednesday, 12 November 2014

The Battle of Bumpkin: Part 2

This is the second part of a battle report. You can find part 1 here.

Empire Turn 2
Empire Turn 2
GREG TWO: The Gregoning.
Greg does not have to do steam points anymore, but DOES need to do stupid tests. Pegacaptain is okay, as does everyone else who could be dumb.

Charge! Probably.
Halberdists charge dark riders, who flee. They flee a fleet 8 of your human inches. The Halberdists think they can still catch them. They consider charging witches but are scared of Hellebron. She is a monster. A fragile monster. Witch elf flank charge attempted – Karl says YES! 
Who else shall get some? Will it be the mythic… she?
Will Helbron go to town on the demigryphs? The empire would prefer her to go to town on halberdiers. Le Gryphs Demi may fit within the space of charging sexecutioners. Bad things will happen to them, but stuff it. Greg unleashes his worst plan. Then thinks about Medusa bonusy killness. Gentile has an overblown sense of his medusa’s worth. Demigryphs do charge her, and take a stand and shoot wound. This displeases Greg who lets out a girly wail of despair.
Nerkhammer the feisty hoon is charged by a huge number of knights. The guards of the reik do not charge, nor does pegacaptain.

The halberdiers roll 11, needing but a paltry 8, and the worst idea ever is put into motion! Fat Comic Book Guy would be pleased.
The Halberdiers embrace folly in all its forms, redirecting from the easy target of the fleeing Dark Riders into the flank of Hellebron and her internationally famous World of Hurt. Speed of Light will be required to make this anything less than a bad idea.
Demigryphs splatter against the medusa, barking excitedly and bouncing up and down with barely suppressed joy.
The Wolfygryphs decide to charge the Executioners via the Medusa. She does a wound with "stand and glare".
A magic dice box is employed to hold the large number of knights up in the air that they may lay the smackdown on the feisty hoon, who is apparently called Nerkhammer now.
Karl Franz and his Knights use the power of levitation to charge the feisty Lone Ranger. Or Nerkhammer. Whatever that means.
The tornadonarium shuffles forward and parks side on to the battle. The juicy mage emulated the action of the coward and runs away from the Halflings. The Greg changes his mind, has the Halflings assume a fancy defensive formation, which does NOTHING, and moves the mage with them. He declares himself ‘in trouble.’
The pegacaptain flaps over to help.
The Wizard and his entourage make best speed away from the Dark Riders. The Pegasus landed there to give them hard cover from the Bolt Throwers.
The guardians of the reik, who think cold one knight stupid, and in full possession of NOTHING, rumble through the trees like they weren’t even there, and taunt the angry lizard elves with a flank. The forest is boringly normal, but causes five dangerous terrain test, which cause no damage to the elite necking proof horsemen of the umpire.

MAGICK! It is more of a thing that before. 7+1 for Greg, 4 for Senor El Gentile. Greg  channels! 
Mid level self-defensive fireball. This fails with a rubbish roll.
Six dice boosted speed of light of total lack of subtlety. Not irresistible, but 23. Gentile stops same. Greg is in poo.

Greg’s magnificent five archers step up for their phase, and hit a dark rider, wounding him, and SLAYING HIM! There shall be partying in the moot tonight! And Pete will growl at them.
A demigryphs is initiative tested to death by the stupid medusa. Greg avoids removing same by pausing to take photos. 
Combat proceeds to take place.
The Wolfygryphs prepare to engage. Or, as Owen would say, DOGS!
Another wound on Demigryphs caused. Greg removes the casualty from before, then fights back with… DOGS!
The medusa is killed by… DOGS!
DOGS! Over run.
They clang into the sexecutioners and get slobber all over them. The sexecutioners are not quite THAT kinky, and look a bit nonplussed by this turn of events (apart from the secret furry in the back row)
Sure, we didn't get our spell off. But we're in the flank. How bad can it be?
Hellebron gets NINE attacks. She is an abomination, A naked one according to leopold. Nine brave empire men are slain in a display of monstrous horror. Witches hurl eight attacks of their own. Gentile proves himself a monster by killing five more purple mens. An now the BSB does four attacks, the frenzied bastard. Four more kills. 
Hellebron, you monster. What have you done?
Her minions are just as antisocial. 18 dead from 4 models attacking?
“Now I’m going to kill Hellebron” declared Greg, unleashing 8 attacks. She lives on one wound, and Greg is not happy. The rest of the unit fails to do more than one witch elf wound. Woe unto the empire of Greg. 
Greg has lost the combat, but no one knows by how much. He fails to roll the eyes of the snake. Twice. And buggers off a conservative 6 inches. And he is slain. Photographs are taken. 
Panic tests are taken. Things do not panic, but the halberdiers are removed by a mournful Greg.
Mission failed. The Halberdiers lose by approximately 2,376,905, break and are caught.
Greg makes way with the enormous number of knights. The feisty hoon challenges! Nerkhammer FTW! Nope. He has his skull caved in. Sigh. And I’d named him and everything.
Reforming occurs. 
The Lone Ranger rides no more. Karl Franz only landed a single hit, but it was more than enough.

Dark Elves Turn 2
Dark Elf Turn 2

Frenzied witches charge detachment. Which flees. The Cyclonatarium ignores them as they flee through its gale-force appendages.
They redirect to the pegacaptain, and he runs like hell. He is chased from the table by dark riders. They redirect into the Halfling wizard defensive emplacement. They flee. The dark riders, lacking a redirect target, continue.
The Swordsman detachment, having forced the Witch Elves to charge, flees out of danger through the Hurricanum, which the Dark Elf unit couldn't see.
Unfortunately the Witch Elves could now see the Pegasus Captain, who decided he'd better flee. The Dark Riders chased him off the field before redirecting onto the Archers and Wizard, who also flee...
The cold ones charge yonder demi flank. Greg declares them screwed, although to whom he refers is a mystery for the ages. 
Yonder witches wheel six, much to Greg’s wrath. Yonder cold knights make it, and are duly covered in dog slobber.
The Cold One Knights come to assist the Executioners.
The wizard escapes by one inch! And there is much rejoicing, and the people did feast on the flesh of stoats and gibbons and ocelots.
Not revolving ones obviously.
Escaped! Gentile rolled a 10 on the dice, needing an 11. That was a little close.
Some dark riders trundle up to beside the doggy dogs. This necessitates the relocation of a hill.
Dark Riders move up to shield the flank of the Witch Elves.
Those notorious longhaired weirdoes, the warlocks, come out from behind a hill and stand in the open behind the Delf lines.
The end of the movement phase.
Gentile plays a land, and casts Flesh Mad Steed. (Me: That would be the wrong sort of Magic, Owen)
Six dice of magic there are jim-lad! Ahar!
Four be the number o’ dispellin’ dice.
Channleing be not happening.
Yonder sexecutioners have their blades enchanted. Greg ‘buys himself a bit of a chance to survive’ by dispelling it.
Rusty plague on those demi dogs.
There is no searing doom, so Greg scrolls the rust! Soul blight does not go off apparently.

Xbowmen shoot things. They wound the Cyclotron.
Dark riders can shoot, but can they see? Opticians are consulted, and with the aid of bifocals, they shoot at knights but miss.
Naggaroth’s health care system is not so good then.
Hurricane central is thrown a bolt, and wounded! And then wounded once more by the OTHER bolt-hurling engine! Loud wailing and lamentation!

Sexecutioners take a fear test to fight dogs, and are okay. Greg is contorted with sadness. Three wounds on dogs, and one is slain! The RSPCA shall hear of this!
I think that was the cold one knights… the sexecutioners now roll many things, causing six wounds. The dogs display their disdain for the dispels scroll saving them by allowing one of them to be slain.
The remaining dog smites cold one knights, and removes two of them. The rider pokes one in the eye, but cannot penetrate his powerful Naggaroth-y bifocals.
Stompage happens.
Greg loses by a number best termed ‘significant’. The dog pops. Ew.
There will now be a pause as the enormity of that mental image is absorbed and causes trauma.
Sadly, the Wolfygryphs are no more.
The sexecutioners reform, as do the knights who say ‘ni’. Who say ‘ni’ while doing so.
Greg asks ‘what happened to all the empire guys?’

Empire Turn 3
Empire Turn 3
GREG’S THIRD TURN (aw yeah!)
Charges! We needs something good (in a bad French accent)
Greg debates the best plan. This seems to involve looking at the table while standing on one leg. Ben Leopold says Karl Franz cannot take Hellebron. Greg disputes this. A detailed discussion ensues. 
No one seems to know what is going on, but Greg is of the opinion that it is ‘nothing good.’
Owen faithfully minutes this, thus ensuring it’s eternal fame on the internets!
Karl Franz and his merry men charge dark riders. Gentile, not wishing to make the same mistake twice, holds. Since the mistake benefited him greatly last time, he seems not to have learned from it.
Dark riders are charged and they STAND AND SHOUT!!!1!
That was not a typo.
Karl Franz and his Knights charge the Dark Riders. Note their continued use of levitation. Wingardium Leviosa!
Reiksguard do the sensible thing and charge cold one knights.
The Typhoonium charges duck riders.
Karl Franz and his men charge dark riders who choose their wardance before impact hits.
Ludwig SCWAAAAAAARTZHELM!!!!! Charges cold one knights with five of his best mates.
Those mad Halflings rally. Pete is not here to glare at them for their impudence in continuing to exist.
Ludwig Schwartzhelm and his Reiksguard friends seek to avenge the doggies.
The Hurricanum charges the "duck riders"? (I do not think that is their real name)
MAGIC! There is such a thing! But only four dice of it.
Five with the Typhoonium.
MAXIMUM FIREBALL! It does NOT go off. Not even close. That wizard is a hack.
“So… that was a great magic phase” – G. Johnson.

And now for something completely different; a man with a ferret through his head.
Or combat. Either or.
3 impact hits! Three riders of duck are dead! No eye poking happens in return! The horses do nothing. Men on the Gale-Force-Wind-o-tron kill the remaining duck riders. The mighty matching rumbles forward into hiding behind the house. 
The Hurricanum ends up in a location conveniently shielded from the Bolt Throwers.
Four wounds on knights, but none get through. Karl Franz slays two duck men with Ghal Maraz. Ghal Maraztastic.
The duck riders do nothing in return, and the knights them slap them upside the head. Hard enough to kill them. The sexecutioners are not concerned by this.
The knights reform after considerable thought, sideways. They expose their flank to the sexecutioners, who wipe dog slobber from their eyes and look happy.
The Knights decide to try to buy time against the Executioners, reforming with their flank facing them. The alternative was stupid reform shenanigans with the Reiksguard going single file to block their advance. Might have bought me a turn, but would have looked stupid...
LUDWIG SCHWARTZHELM!! is challenged. He is okay. SCHWARTZHELM fights back. He has mad skills and killing blow and rerolls wounds! No killing blows, but the rider of the cold-blooded lizard on the left is killed. And then the knights mop up the other one. With their mops.
A bizarre reform is contemplated. Then they just reform facing back towards the empire lines. 

Dark Elves Turn 3
Dark Elf Turn 3

Friendship test. Passed.
Karl Franz and Friends are charged and hold. The sexecutioners prance into the flank, bringing a pretty lady with them. Witches reform to face roughly in the general direction of Mr. Franz and Friends. 
The moment of truth for the Knights. Karl Franz is about to "make way" and join the unit champion on the engaged flank.
The Warlocks and their fantastic hair move over to threaten the detachment, now long since detached from it’s parent unit.
Swordsmen are bolted with doom. The buggy pre-release beta version of ‘Doom II: Hell on Earth’. Five of them are crushed by 3.5” floppies. (Mr. Gentile, on reading this, will immediately say ‘That’s what she said.”)
The sexecutioners are covered in dog drool but on the plus side, they have enchanted blades.
Soul blight blights the knights. This causes no change in the level of screwed-ness. Plague of rust dispelled.
We are all surprised that Greg held five dice to dispel a one dice spell AND DID NOT FAIL!!
Mr. Gentile counts out dice and shoots things with other things.
He rolls ALL the sixes. That detachment Greg had? There’s one guy left. And he has wet himself.
Miss knights.
The detachment is looking a little depleted.
Greg makes way. Karl Franz is suddenly in the back rank, beating up on dog-drool dripping dark elves.
Nine attacks on him, BUT he out initiatives them! He kills two. Greg lets fly with a foul curse, which is not to be printed here.
Nick Cook accused Nick Gentile of being a filth merchant.
The knight champion is slain.
Karl Franz… takes A save. And… has a wound left… and gets killed by killing blow.
Worst. Emperor. Ever.
The Emperor has fallen! Oh dear. He actually got killing blowed twice, which seems excessive. I had hoped he might be able to shrug off the attacks for a turn with the help of his ward save, but Enchanted Blades pretty much put paid to that plan. Too many hits, too little armour.
Mage is poked in the eye and missed. The knights apparently do not want to fight. Bad things happen. They do not pass their bad things test. They are pursued, and they ESCAPE! A legend is born! Just not a very good one.
New plan: run away!

Empire Turn 4
Empire Turn 4
GREG IV: A new hopeless.

Charge declaration? Knights rear charge sexecutioners. 
The Reiksguard rear-charge the Executioners. Not the best plan, but what else could they do? And Ludwig was upset at my handling of the whole Karl Franz incident and no longer really listening to my orders anyway. This was mainly his plan, I swear...
Swordsmen can totally march. They totally march.
The remaining Swordsman gets right up in the face of the Witch Elves. Interference, ho!
The ex-bodyguard of the emperor rally and look sheepish.
The Cyclonium turns around,

Nonsense magic phase… is poor.
Eight dice hurled at boosted fireball. Fail by one. Again. Greg is displeased but resigned. (Me: I might have had 8 dice, but I obviously only used 6 on the spell).

Warlocks are shot by archers, but shrug them off with armor saves. Bah.

He takes a wound.
He fights back.
He is shit.
He deals a blow with sufficient force to kill a mere dark elf!
All the knights die before they get to fight. Three killing blows, two normal slayings. Oh dear.
LUDWIG SHCWAAAAARTZHELM!!! Issued the following statement about his defeat: “meh.” He did not run away.
I got this! The Emperor will be avenged (somehow)...

Dark Elves Turn 4
Dark Elf Turn 4
GENTILE IV: For Whom The Shorts Toll…

Hellebron charges out of her unit at the knights. Craziness in several buckets. She JUST gets in. 
Bloooooooood!!!! Hellebron needs no flunkies to do what must be done (ie murdering my entire army).
The witchy witches reform. The warlocks go behind the Halflings, and glare at them much as Pete would, where he here. The Halflings respond by composing a song about rings.
The Warlocks find the potential survival of my Hurricanum unacceptable and move to address the problem.
NINE! And Six!
No channel. On either side.
Doom bolt on Tornadonium. Stopped. 
Enchanted blades on Ms. H. Bron. Greg declares Gentile unsporting.
Ludwig is plagued with rust. He does not look happy about it.
Meanwhile, in Sylvania, Vlad Von Karstein is scratching his bum. (Me: Wait, what?)

EGAD! A Halfling is killed!
By shooting! And there go two of his mates! And there is panic! PANIC!! And a reroll from the BSB means there is not. Huzzah! Long live our Halfling overlords!

LUDWIG SCHWAAAAARTZHELM!!! Challenges, but is turned down. Boo.
He is killing blowed by stooped sexecutioners.
My beloved Emperor, I will join you in the afterlife. Race you there.
And now, the big one…
TEN ATTACKS from Ms. H. Bron.
Fear test, -3Ld. Failed. Greg says this will make no difference because he will all be dead by then.
Gentile kills ten of Greg’s eight knights, and over runs.
Greg vows to get him with fireball.
Gentile is forced to giggle and gloat to Tim.
Hellebron dances on the corpses of my Knights whilst the rest of my "army" tries not to look.

Empire Turn 5
Empire Turn 5
GREG V: The Final Gregoning.

Typhoonium charges Xbowists, who FLEE! Unsporting! Greg contemplates redirecting into witch elves. He has fear in his eyes.

Gentile has been cheating –some dude is not  a khainite or something. He takes a whole mess o’ hits, and saves them all.
Owen is confused. (Me: whilst this is not unusual, in this case it was Gentile realising the BSB was not a Khainite and was liable to be stabbed in the back by the Witch Elves, who were getting understandably bored as Hellebron ran off and had her fun without them. Witch Elves don't play well with others).

Greg tests to redirect. He cannot. He does NOT reach the X-Bowists. By a LONG way. He is exposed. Oh dear.

The single swordsman stands before the witchy hordes and blows raspberries. He shoots Ms. H. Bron with TWO archers! At short range! The hour of the Halfling has come!
Except it’s the magic phase, and there are ten dice. Greg goes mad with power.
Mid level fireball.  Which goes off on a 30.  Ms. H. Bron has +9 to dispel. Greg characterizes this as ‘outrageous’.  Dispel fails by two.

Ms. H. Bron is purged with flame. Her mates panic not.

The Typhoonitarium does stuff!! Templates are invoked! Scatter happens. Raging tornado lands twixt units. Greg is disappointed.
The hour of the Halflings at last! They fail to wound. Bah.
Owen’s faith is shaken.

Dark Elves Turn 5
Dark Elf Turn 5
GENTILE V: Final Gentile.
Stuff charges other stuff. Halflings don’t hit anything with S+S. But the sexecutioners are put off by this show of hair-footed defiance, and fail to make the charge. 
Whilst my Swordsman does not normally object to female attention, this might be a bit much...
That's what you get for failing your charges, silly magic cart!
7 v 5. Greg channels, eliciting a squeak of surprise.
Those archers are naked. Ew.
Soul blight on whirlwindatarium. It goes off not.
Enchanted blades on witches so they can take down the swordsman. They fear him. And they are right to do so.

Shooting!! Mage takes a bolt piffer wound.
My Wizard takes a wound from the Bolt Throwers, but he survives! Good thing too, since these guys may be all I have left in a second...
And now, the fight of the century! The swordsman is poisoned eight times! No! NINE! He is only seven parries away from survival… bit he does not survive. His name shall be engraved in Krakenberg and his memory treasured. If anyone can remember his name.
Warlocks Vs. Whirlwindium: it’s dead jim.

Empire Turn 6
Empire Turn 6
GREG SIX: The final frontier of incompetence:

The mage hides behind a hill.

Magic – four dice. Gentile channels. The bastard.
Mid level fireball at warlocks. Cast! 19! Double six dispel. 
Two Halflings shoot! Ward save saves the sinister man.

Dark Elves Turn 6
Dark Elf Turn 6

12 magic dice… no channels.
Doom Bolt. Just a wee Doom Bolt. Cast on 28.
Greg double sixes AND LIVES!!
Final Trans – 19. An archer becomes a statue. The mage does not!
Not wiped out! Boo yeah!

Greg’s mage tucks his new garden gnome under his arm, and runs in the general direction of away.

Me: Well that could have gone better. In hindsight the match-up was always going to be a little lop-sided one way or the other. I blame Hellebron – she’s very brittle, but indescribably dangerous. So if you can reach her with some attacks you can probably bring her down, but only certain things will live long enough to do so. My plan was to try to bring this about with Speed of Light, and had I gotten the spell off the critical time, it would probably have worked. Unfortunately when I failed to do that, my chances to do anything about her were pretty much ended.

I also underestimated how much trouble I would have with Nick’s magic. It wasn’t the “power spells” that ruined me (although the loss of the Steam Tank so early was certainly a blow) – it was the constant barrage of Plague of Rust, Enchanted Blades in conjunction with other spells. Nick was able to toss a couple of dice at each casting, and my defenses were just not up to fending them off – especially once my Wizard Lord was gone. As badly as some of the combats went, they might have been slightly better if I could have prevented Enchanted Blades from pretty much guaranteeing every attack would wound.

I only really made one major decision in this game, which was to redirect into the flank of the Witch Elves with the Halberdiers. If I hadn’t done so, my unit would have run down the fleeing Dark Riders and been behind the enemy lines. It would have been the first step toward avoiding Hellebron’s unit, but whether I could have kept that up all game is questionable. 

In the end I went for the more aggressive option – a flank charge on that unit with the Halberdiers was my single best way of killing Hellebron, and I nearly did it even without Speed of Light going off. Once that had failed however, I was suddenly without my main spell caster and no longer had any chance of finishing off Hellebron without her having a full round of attacks against my armoured targets – and nothing I had left in my list could take that. I did briefly consider trying to force an engagement between her and Karl Franz and simply relying upon my ward save in the hope of living. If I still had my Wizard Lord to back him up I would have tried it, but without that support, it just wasn’t going to work. 

The latter stages of the game were a bit of a laugh really, which culminated in Hellebron showboating by solo-charging the 8 Knights and wiping them out. He was still giggling and celebrating when I roasted her with a Fireball. When you can afford to throw away a lord-level special character because you can’t possibly lose, you know you’re in a pretty strong position. Sigh.

Luitpold "Sparky" Stern, Wizard of the Bright College in Altdorf and pyromancer extraordinaire, crashed through a thicket in the woods, further tearing his already tattered and dirty robes. He barely kept his feet, scraping his hands in his efforts to keep moving. He glanced quickly over he shoulder as he hurried, and was rewarded for his carelessness by running into a tree and bruising his shoulder. He spun away and kept moving, cursing raggedly as he went. He travelled alone, after the remaining archers who had been escorting him decided to stay behind to delay any potential pursuit, and perhaps to ascertain the fate of Karl Franz, who had fallen in the battle.

Sparky had seen the Emperor fall, and had little hope that he was still alive. And even if he was, those Dark Elf savages wouldn't let him stay that way for long. Any satisfaction the wizard might have felt from blasting the leader of the Elves with searing flames had long since vanished, consumed as he now was with escaping the enemy raiders. He had been running for hours now, and was starting to believe that he might actually live through this ordeal. Perhaps he might even live long enough to carry word of the Emperor's fate to someone who could help...

And that concludes our report. Hopefully the next one will be a little less lop-sided. Thanks for reading!

Oh, and when I uploaded the maps, Google immediately took it upon itself to "auto-awesome" the lot of them into an animated GIF. Kinda cool. Behold!


  1. Hi Greg!

    Damn but that was painful! Seems like certain big units don't need to use tactics as who cares about flank charges when you have crazy girls in your army? The game was great to read about and I think you set the bar for the quality of the reports even higher!

    I am really intrigued by that GIF thing you pulled out in the end! How did you do that? Where do you have to upload the maps to allow google to do that magic?


    1. Thanks mate.

      The GIF thing happened automatically, I think because Google detected a series of almost identical images. I got the notification within moments of uploading the images to Picasa/Google Drive (I have lost sense of whether there is any distinction between these two things nowadays).

  2. Cheers! I am using photobucket but might try to upload the pictures to google drive and see what happens!

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